Gray Smoke

Like many people, I started meditating to find peace—to quiet my wild monkey mind and detach from my racing thoughts and emotions. For a while, I thought that's what meditation was supposed to be: pushing away discomfort, observing from a distance, staying calm and collected. Then life broke me open. In the last couple of years, I went through the worst possible tragedy. My heart was shattered, and the pain was too large to push away. Trying to detach from it felt not just impossible, but wrong. Like I was betraying myself and was being inauthentic. The Practice That Changed Everything That's when I found Tonglen in Pema Chödrön's book When Things Fall Apart —which felt like the perfect title for my life at that moment. Tonglen is a Tibetan Buddhist practice that means "giving and taking," and it does something that sounds completely backwards: instead of pushing pain away, you breathe it in. On the in-breath, you take in darkness and pain. On the out-breath...

In 2023, at age 49, I received the diagnosis that transformed my understanding of myself: Attention Deficit Hyperactive disorder (ADHD). For years, I had navigated episodes of anxiety, depression, and anger, developing coping mechanisms that somehow kept me afloat. But that year, the depression became overwhelming. I needed help. What pushed me to seek support was my sister. During her medical studies, she had studied ADHD extensively. With the frankness only a sister can provide, she said, "You're a textbook case of ADHD." Her words were simultaneously shocking and deeply familiar. The psychiatrist confirmed both types: inattentive and hyperactive. The moment he spoke those words, a weight lifted from my chest—a burden I hadn't realized I'd been carrying. I had always known I was different, but could never name it. Now I had a map to understand my own mind. The Medication Revelation My doctor prescribed atomoxetine, starting low. For weeks, nothing changed. ...